The Nechoma Greisman Anthology

Section 1: SHLICHUS We are ready to go…

Reflections of a Shluchah

This letter has been very long in the planning stage and has been written many times mentally, but, for my personal peace of mind, and for that of thousands of my sisters, I think it deserves some answer. I have often thought of writing this question to the Rebbe Shlita, but dropped it because it might seem like complaining (which it isn't).

I am fully aware that we are living in an unusual era, and there are therefore unusual demands placed on all of us as a hachona levias haMashiach -- in order to prepare the way for Mashiach's imminent arrival. When the Rebbe Shlita asked people to have more children, he said that this, in and of itself, is a preparation for Mashiach. I am sure that I don't have to explain to you at length the reality of day-to-day life for young mothers in their child-bearing years. The demands and strains of cooking, cleaning, laundry, and keeping a house neat and running properly, as well as taking care of small children is a full-time job. Add to it the additional strain of pregnancy, nursing, sleepless nights, etc. etc. -- and you've got a really overtired, strained woman, as everyone knows.

I remember once my father came to visit when I had 6 small children, when the oldest was only six-and-a half. One Thursday night, until close to midnight, he watched me run around between the newborn, the washing machine and the stove, and he remarked: "This is the most difficult of all the Rebbe's mivtzoim campaigns."

In previous generations it was considered sufficient if a young mother raised her family, ran the house, etc. Today, while it's true we have washers, dryers, freezers, Pampers, etc. etc. we are having more babies, and having them closer together, and there are many women (myself included) whose situation might warrant obtaining permission from a Rav to use a heter for "family-planning," but because of the Rebbe's directives, we are determined not to use any heterim, and continue having babies.

Regarding this matter, my question is -- what exactly does the Rebbe demand from these women? Are we exempt from any of the Rebbe's instructions and campaigns? Can we be lenient as far as some of these instructions and campaigns are concerned, since "One who is occupied with a mitzvah, is exempt from other mitzvahs?" I generally manage to keep up with chitas and complete the daily portion of Chumash, Tehillim, and Tanya, as well as the Rambam's Sefer HaMitzvos, even though this is frequently in place of resting, since "free time" is a non-entity in our lives. (If you're going to take a twenty minute break -- it's either to rest or to do chitas, not both!!). However, I am aware that many women in my category do not manage, and simply "give up." I do somehow manage -- but it's often very difficult.

When the Rebbe asks for additional things -- to learn ma'amarim, or other things, and he says explicitly that this applies to men, women, and children, does he mean this group of women as well? Then there are the ongoing obligations -- hafotzos hamayonos i.e. spreading the teachings of Chassidus; the obligation to act as advisor and mentor to others who come to you as their mashpiah, etc. They also pose a very real difficulty.

On my way to the hospital to give birth to my seventh child, born on the fifth of Av, 5746, my husband Shmuel told me about the Rebbe's recent instructions for the newest campaign, "aseh lecha Rav" -- "Acquire a teacher and mentor for yourself." As soon as I returned from the hospital people started calling to ask if I could be their mashpiah. At first I tried to push them off until after the Holidays, but soon after this, the calls came and I found myself with many mushpa'ot. I tried to dissuade them from choosing me as their mashpiah, but Shmuel told me that it wasn't right to refuse -- so I accepted most of them. I realized full well that I could not give them the amount of time and attention I should, in order to accomplish everything that was implicit in the Rebbe's instructions, but I was in a bind. Telephone time is limited here in Eretz Yisroel, because kids come home at noon. So from about [1] p.m. until bed-time you are busy with kids. I tried to make my own compromise by warning all my mushpa'ot that I was very limited in time and that it would be their responsibility to run after me and arrange our meetings at hours that I was not on duty with the kids. Concerning this issue, my question is -- must I accept all the women who ask me to be their mashpiah? I still get requests, and each time go through a difficult guilt-trip if I say no, and another kind if I say yes, because I don't know if I'm doing justice to the Rebbe's expectations. I especially feel guilty when people argue, "You're the only one. I looked and haven't found anyone else suitable." So what am I meant to do?

Another matter -- having a lot of kids brings a lot of physical work that need not be done by the mother. If our dishes and laundry were done by someone else -- that would free us to do more outside things. Is it the Rebbe's intention that we should hire help? I would do so gladly and go out to direct more learning groups and give more classes. I get many calls to lecture, etc., but I can only go out so many evenings a week, and leave dishes, laundry and general balagan. If I knew the Rebbe meant for me to use my energy to spread the teachings of Chassidus, and hire someone to do the physical work, it would be easier to go out more often. It is problematic to go out for an evening and return at eleven o' clock to two full sinks of dishes, dirty laundry and washed laundry needing to be folded and put away. But, what about the extra expense of hiring help? Could one use tzedakah money for this? Obviously this is an issue too.

Someone once told me that I should spend all my time teaching and have a full-time housekeeper to do the physical work. To tell you the truth, I'd much rather teach and speak, than wash floors and dishes -- but since I don't have a servant, I only go out once in a while, because I refuse to let my house go to pot.

This brings me to another delicate but important matter. You are surely aware that there are many levels of housekeeping. There are homes where everything is in place -- the house is clean, clothes in place -- everything arranged neatly, food cooked etc. etc. a real pleasure, a mechaya mammash!

Then there are homes which aren't in the above category. There is a lot of you-know-what! Laundry is all over the place, beds are unmade, there are dirty dishes all over the place, with signs of Shabbos until Tuesday. Food is never really served on time, meals are "instant" -- bread with spread and ready-made dry cereal etc. etc. Of course there are also many homes somewhere in the middle. From the Rebbe's sichos to N'shei Chabad, it is clear that the Rebbe values organization and order, cooking etc. But all this obviously requires time, energy, and a lot of attention. When a busy mother of small children spends her time or energy on other things -- whether it's a job, shopping, or mivtzoim, there's no way it doesn't affect the home and kids. Kids do not like to be left with baby-sitters, they don't like a mother on the phone all the time, they don't like it when the bed-time hour is pressured because the mother is running out, whether on mivtzoim, or for any other purpose. This has been a big problem for me. If I accepted all the requests that come my way -- I would be out of the house a lot. I always wish the Rebbe would make my situation easier by giving me guidelines.

Another current issue: We are building a new house -- does the Rebbe approve of buying time and labor saving devices, especially when you know realistically that you will be spending many hours doing things the Rebbe wants. I'm thinking of appliances like dishwashers, freezers, etc. I don't want to feel like I'm making the locals' eyes pop out by buying all kinds of American conveniences, but the reality is that I believe it would make it a lot easier to spend more time on spiritual matters. I heard a moshel from a ba'alat teshuvah who lives here. She said that the period before Mashiach comes is comparable to a woman in labor (Mashiach being the "baby"), and in order to actually give birth, the woman must exert herself tremendously, and push herself to the limits. She explained that our generation must push harder than previous generations for this very reason.

The conclusion of all the above is: Being an emissary of the Rebbe puts a tremendous amount of pressure on me, because of the already tremendous pressure I have keeping a home. I don't like the guilt and the tension and wish I had guidelines to help me decide if all the Rebbe's instructions apply to me and people like myself, and to what degree, or perhaps there are categories that are temporarily exempt from certain things.

Okay, that's enough food for thought for the moment.