The Nechoma Greisman Anthology

Section 3: EDUCATING CHILDREN When Mashiach comes, speedily in our days, we will point proudly to our children and say, "Look at the offspring we have raised."

Family Harmony

Good evening!

Our topic tonight is Family Harmony -- instilling independence in your child through security. Now, you may ask what educating your child to be independent has to do with family harmony, but...

The dictionary defines harmony as a blending of sounds or colors, producing a pleasing effect. So how do we produce harmony in our families? We have two parents, and a number of children, each one with differing desires and needs, which often clash and conflict with the desires and needs of other members of the family. Very often the picture we see is one of confused, undisciplined and demanding children, and bewildered, frustrated and disillusioned parents. And lots of noise in the background. How do we bring harmony into the home? Can we create some music?

I am not a clinical psychologist, nor a family therapist. My only credentials are a dozen years of motherhood. This evening, I will share with you things I have learned, which have been helpful to me throughout this period of motherhood. Please feel free to ask questions at the end of the talk.

You are the Conductor

As mothers, we are the conductors of our individual symphonies. It is vital for us to know what a Jewish family is supposed to look like, and what can realistically be expected from children at different stages in their lives. This is no simple task!! And it is even more difficult for women who did not grow up in Torah homes, and have not had much direct contact with children in the homes they were brought up in. They may therefore err in either direction -- by being too demanding and unrealistic, and causing feelings of inadequacy and tension in their children; or by being too easy on them, causing them to be spoiled and demanding of their parents. To get a realistic picture if you're not sure -- you must work at it. Be in contact with your children's principals, teachers, kindergarten teachers, and mothers of children who seem well-behaved and happy. Above all, you need a mashpiah -- an experienced mother in whom you have confidence, and who seems to know what she's doing, who can advise you. No two families are the same -- but it's very helpful and comforting to hear advice from a mother who has been through it herself.

Another wonderful resource is books. Today there are many excellent books on child rearing. Among others, I can recommend Miriam Adahan's work, and Faber and Mazlish's "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk."

Just as teachers are continually going for hishtalmut (additional courses to broaden and round out their teaching and guidance abilities) -- so mothers should always be growing and learning. A new insight here, a new technique there, will keep you enthusiastic and always improving your skills in the world's most challenging profession.

But, a word of caution: Books are like flour -- they must be sifted. No book is "Torah from Sinai." The authors are only human beings. Take what seems right for your situation. Reject what seems anti-Torah, and if you're not sure, check with someone more knowledgeable.

The conductor of an orchestra knows what results he is aiming for, and he makes sure that each of the musicians knows what he wants from them. According to various studies, children crave discipline and rules, provided they are delivered with tact and love (every wise person knows this, even without professional studies). Children have no respect for teachers who can't control the class, nor for mothers who don't seem to know what they want. It can be difficult to project an air of confidence at times when you are unsure of yourself, but it is all-important for children to see that their mothers know what they want, and that they won't compromise. Yes is yes, and no is no! Our grandparents didn't need psychologists to tell them how to qualify for the job of bringing up their children. If you feel unsure of yourself find a mashpiah who will listen to you and instill confidence in you.

Playing the Music Correctly

When I was a child, there used to be a rhyme: "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never harm me." Nothing can be further from the truth. The Torah tells us that, "Life and death are in the power of the tongue." You can give someone a will to live, or you can destroy his entire world with words alone. The words we speak to our children create their perceptions of themselves. Therefore we must constantly be aware of the powerful effect our words have upon their sensitive personalities. They see themselves through our eyes.

My advice is to seek opportunities to build up their confidence. Let them know often how precious and special and loved and important they are. Tell them that as soon as they were born you added an extra Shabbos licht, and the world became a brighter place because of them. Get your priorities straight. When you're talking on the phone and your child needs you, tell your friend to wait, not your child.

In our house a few years ago I was beginning to feel that the phone was intruding too much on my mothering, and I made a few decisions, which, with hindsight, I can say were on target. Firstly, I bought an answering machine. I do not answer calls when I'm involved with my children at supper time or bedtime or any other time. I also tell people to call me during the morning or after-bedtime hours, and I refuse to get involved in long conversations when my children need me. How would you feel if as soon as you came in to the house you saw your husband on the phone, and every time you had to ask him something or tell him something he told you to wait because the person he was talking to was more important?? Beware of that phone!! If your child wants to talk to you, and you can't talk that minute, don't cut him off with "I can't talk now -- I'm busy." Tell him when you will be able to attend to him or her: "As soon as I finish bathing the baby," or "As soon as I finish talking on the phone." Later on, tell him clearly "I have time now -- what was it you wanted to tell me before?" That is a tremendous boost for self esteem.

Make sure to praise them when they do something right -- don't only criticize them for something not done right.

While you are working with your hands, talk to them and listen to them. Try to do work that requires concentration when they're not around, and easier work when they are. Look for small opportunities to spend time alone with each child -- even if only for a few minutes. One excellent method is to take only one child with you in a rotation system when you go out to the dentist, shopping, bank, etc. It makes the child feel very special. Buy him a little treat and talk to him, and the rewards will come.

Inevitably, in a family of several children, there are times when children will feel you are favoring another sibling over them. You must let them know clearly that there are many people in the world and several children in the family, but that each and every one is different and has his special shlichus in life. Everyone has a strength that another person doesn't have, and each one is vital and important. The Torah would not have been given if even one of the 600,000 Jews had not been present!

A mistake very often made by parents is to take for granted that certain ideas are understood, and that therefore there is no need to say them. One such idea is that they love their children. Parents often make great sacrifices in their devotion and love for their children, and imagine that their children are aware of it, and appreciate it. That is a great mistake. Parents and children see the world differently. Let's say a mother works many hours out of the home in order to be able to afford to buy things for her children. But as a result she is very overworked, tense, and tired. The child is unhappy because he sees the mother as pushing him away. She is telling him that he should keep quiet so she can rest, that he should go outside so she can get her work done. Often meals will be very simple, and the child is getting negative messages and doesn't understand that all this is because the mother loves him so much and wants to buy him all those clothes and toys that he needs or wants. But the child would have been far happier to have his mother -- rather than the things. A wise person once expressed it this way: On many occasions, a quarter is more useful than a $10,000 bill.

A smile, a shared joke, listening carefully to his story, a kiss and a hug, and an unexpected treat -- all these tell a child in no uncertain terms that he is appreciated and loved. More important than having his bedroom interior decorated, tell him you love him and that you and Tatty are the richest people in the world because you have a child like him. Watch him light up.

So, in summation, these are my two points for enhancing family harmony:

1. You, as a mother, should know who you are, and what you want. Know that you are a living example, and the most important person and role model in your children's world. You are the one who is looked up to and will be imitated and emulated. Make sure you are worthy of this. "When the head is healthy, then the body is also healthy," as it says in HaYom Yom.

    

2. Realize that the children which, by hashgachah protis, were given to you are yours for keeps, for better or for worse. There is much that we can do to shape them into people who will be a source of joy and pride to Am Yisroel. But this takes a lot of effort and a lot of hard work. There are no magic formulas -- no instant recipes. As Jews we believe that man was born to work. A life of leisure is not our dream. Our dream, instead, is to have the right knowledge and skills to work effectively, and to merit to see the fruits of our labor -- a bountiful and successful harvest. By investing our time, effort and energy into raising our children, we are doing the ultimate tzedakah and chesed, and hopefully we will merit to see secure, independent and happy children. No one can do it for you. No teacher, or baby-sitter, or kindergarten teacher.

    

I would like to end with another story from Tanach. King Chizkiyahu was a great tzaddik, whose reign followed that of a wicked king. The Torah describes how he undid the spiritual damage that the previous king had done. He worked very hard to raise the level of Yiddishkeit among Bnei Yisrael. One of the principal features of his efforts in this regard, was that he established Torah-learning for even very small children so that even very young girls and boys were well versed in the complex laws of tahara and tumah -- spiritual purity and impurity. This was a rare phenomenon in those times.

Suddenly King Chizkiyahu became gravely ill, and the Prophet Yeshayahu told him to prepare his will, for he would die shortly. Chizkiyahu was shocked, and he asked the prophet what had caused the decree of untimely death. Yeshayahu told him that this was because he had not married and fulfilled the mitzvah of pru u'rvu, being fruitful and multiplying. Chizkiyahu explained why he had never married -- he had seen through ruach hakodesh that from his marriage would issue forth a very evil son, Menashe, and to prevent his birth he had chosen to remain single. Yeshayahu then responded with the now-famous words, "Who asked you to get involved in matters which concern Hashem?" Your mitzvah is to marry and have children. It is G-d's concern how your offspring will turn out. So Chizkiyahu cried and did teshuvah. He married Yeshayahu's daughter, and Menashe was born. And as Chizkiyahu had foreseen, Menashe was very evil. He reversed his father's accomplishments, and caused many Jews to sin, although he eventually did teshuvah.

What can we learn from this well-known incident? One lesson is that as much as we put into our children -- as many skills and as much psychology and common sense as we can muster -- the bottom line is that whatever comes out is from Hashem. We must not take all the credit for a wonderful child, nor all the blame for a problem child, provided we have done our best. There is a Third Partner in the creation and rearing of children. Let us not forget that. We must turn to Him often for the strength and guidance and wisdom we so sorely need in our jobs as eim habonim, the mother of children. And hopefully, we will also all be smechah, filled with joy.

Before I open the floor to questions I would like to announce the formation of a Parent Support Group under the auspices of the English Division of N'Shei Chabad. This year has been named by the Rebbe "The Year of the Jewish Boy and Girl." We have had a number of requests from mothers for an ongoing forum. Our idea is that a small group of women will meet periodically to discuss issues of chinuch of children, and air out problems as well as learn selected excerpts from Chassidus that deal with these topics. If you are interested in participating, or you know someone who would be interested, please leave your name and address on the sheet on this table before you leave tonight. Thank you, and lehitraot!