The Nechoma Greisman Anthology

Section 2: WOMEN Every physical task of a mother is indeed Divine service

Encouraging Childbearing

I was very happy to be invited to speak on this subject. This is not something which I had to research. It is something which spills out of the heart by itself, according to the rule explained in Chassidus -- "That which comes from the heart, goes directly to the other person's heart."

Nevertheless, I have a question: why is it necessary at all for a woman to come and speak to other Jewish women about encouraging childbearing? After all, anyone who ponders over the number of Jewish people in the world, compared to all the rest of the world, will come to the immediate conclusion that family planning in Jewish circles is national suicide! Census figures place the number of Jews in the world at around 14 million. It is hard to know whether these numbers are correct, since many Jews do not admit their Jewishness, or are assimilated. At any rate, the census figures we have at present place the Jewish people at less than one-half of one percent of the world population. Some forty-five years ago, one third of the Jewish population, then 18 million, was destroyed in the Holocaust. This latter fact alone should make a person shake, and bring everyone to the realization that we are obligated, at the very least, to reach that number once again!

I am sure that I am not alone among the mothers here in the audience who read with tears about the soldiers who were killed in the North. Perhaps they left behind them a single brother or sister, or perhaps no brothers or sisters at all. It is clear that among the families whom they left behind, there were those parents who wanted more children but were not blessed with them. But it is also clear that among those families were those who decided that one or two children constituted the ideal family -- but "Many are the thoughts in a man's heart, yet the counsel of G-d prevails."

When parents or a young couple plan the size of their family, and when they will have children, they take a tremendous responsibility upon themselves. This is a responsibility which, in essence, a person cannot take upon himself. In general, such decisions are based on present circumstances, such as income, size of the apartment or house, the number of children which the family already has, the mother's career, etc. All of these factors are bound to change with time, but it is not always possible to enlarge one's family later on...

Can a woman ever know for sure that she will be able to conceive in a year or two, when, according to her calculations, things will be a little more convenient? (When she finishes her course in college, or when they move to a larger home, or when the last baby will already be in kindergarten, etc.). Will her husband be alive then? How many women who became widows this month were planning on enlarging their family later on? And on how many occasions does it happen that after a period of birth-control the woman finds that her body has changed, and she has great difficulty in conceiving?

Pregnancy and childbearing are not events that can be arranged, and "made to order" -- "When I'm ready, I'll have a child." Absolutely not! I have a friend who married at a young age, and gave birth to three children in two-and-a-half years. It was an extremely difficult period for her. After the birth of the third child, a number of years passed, and she did not become pregnant again. After undergoing examination, it became clear that her tubes had closed, and the chance for having further children was very small. She didn't lose hope, however. She underwent treatment, surgery, etc. But I do not want to dwell on that story now. The main point is this: Had that woman decided to space out her children, she would have remained with a single child, or perhaps two children. Several times she has repeated to me, "Thank G-d that I did not interfere..."

Another story: A woman had a wonderful career, and so she decided to postpone having children until she had reached the top of the ladder. At the age of thirty-five she achieved her goal. She had a fantastic salary, and she was at the top. The time had come! She soon became pregnant. She was very happy when she first received the news from her doctor, but then a problem was discovered. The doctor sadly informed her that she had a growth in her womb which had been growing for years. It was so large that there was no room for the baby to grow. The doctor told her that the pregnancy had to be terminated, the growth removed, and then she could try again. However, during the operation, it was discovered that the womb had to be removed... The woman's tears could not be stopped. "Why didn't anyone tell me that I should have children when I was young? Why didn't they tell me?"

There are many such stories, but they are only concrete examples of how it is impossible to know what the future holds, and how dangerous it is to plan families. The only valid "planning" is to plan that HaKadosh Baruch Hu will decide how many children and when. Only He knows the past, present and future.

Furthermore -- when parents plan on preventing the birth of a child, they probably do not realize that it is not only one birth that they are preventing, but hundreds and even thousands; i.e., that child's children, and their children's children throughout the generations.

A hundred years ago, bringing up children was certainly no easier than today. Today we have washing machines, refrigerators, freezers, blenders, disposable diapers, etc. etc. If your grandmother's parents had decided to complete their family before the birth of your grandmother, you would not be here today either. Whoever prevents a Jewish birth, the blood of that child, and that of the child's potential offspring must be accounted for. What woman would be willing to take on such a responsibility?

Let's discuss a common argument against having children. "It's so expensive! There's galloping inflation. It's impossible to provide for additional children on our salaries. Even without another child, we only meet the month's expenses with great difficulty." To this argument, there are a number of answers: Such an argument was presented to me by a woman who already had two children. She argued that they simply could not manage a third. Now, this was not a family which lived on welfare. They owned a car, a television, wall-to-wall carpets, etc. In the course of our conversation, most of the common arguments surfaced. She felt that in order to ensure her children maximum security and a good life, she needed all the above-mentioned articles. Therefore, she made a calculation of how much another child would cost, based on all the things which, in her view, were "necessities." We spoke for hours. I told her that home conveniences, expensive toys, nice furniture -- all these things would not ensure a child happiness, nor mental and physical health. The price of the car, the television, and the furniture would provide for another child for an extended period of time. Hashem, who manages to sustain the entire world, would surely provide for them too. "Mine is the silver and the gold," says G-d. Would it be so problematic for Him to take care of one more soul on earth, in addition to the four billion whom He already provides for?

Another point. Family-planning is not healthy -- not for the woman nor for her husband. But, in addition, family planning does not take into account the needs of other children already existing in the family (even though the parents might think that they are planning their family for the sake of those children!) Family life, and the give-and-take it involves, ensures that a child will grow up to be a better husband and father, or wife and mother, and a better person in general, when he has learned to relate and adapt to the needs and varied personalities of a large family. Certain things can be learned only in the framework of a large family. Every child from a large family knows that the quality of attention is far more important than the quantity, and those children suffer a lot less than children from small families who are constantly left alone with baby-sitters, etc., because the parents are so busy with their work... If there is love and warmth in the family, the children will not suffer from lack of attention.

The real reason that so many women of our generation have decided to limit their families, is peer pressure. We live in a time when people have a negative view of large families. Few women can fight against the stream, and make a proud statement which is contrary to the prevailing philosophy. Very few women can say, "No one else will dictate life-making decisions for me, because the results are forever. I will not allow my society and the media to affect me. I know the Jewish way, the true method of family planning -- allowing G-d to plan for me. This will bring me true happiness and satisfaction."

May it be Hashem's will that every woman sitting here will think these matters over, and allow every Jewish child to be born with G-d's help. And when Mashiach comes very soon, all of us will be able to point with joy to our children and state proudly, "These are the plants which I have nurtured."