The Nechoma Greisman Anthology

Section 10: EPILOGUE She gave up her privileges for somebody else

Shalom Bayis -- A Woman's Mesirus Nefesh

What exactly is shalom bayis? In essence, this means making unity and harmony from many -- a very difficult job!! Nevertheless, hard as it may be, it is our duty, privilege, and responsibility, as the akeres habayis, the root and basis (ikkar) of the Jewish home.

Why did G-d create men and women in this world? Perhaps to teach us humility, since we are incomplete without each other -- only with another half is there a whole. Together with our husbands can we fulfill the role of bringing holiness into this world through our homes, which are a Mikdash me'at, a miniature Beis HaMikdash.

The only way there can be shalom in our homes is if we are at peace with our roles and our mission. What we will attempt to do, is to shed light on these two things.

Let us examine more closely the question of why Hashem made two genders. Why could not Hashem have made a world only of men, or only of women? And if we say that this is so that we can have children, that's not an answer. Because Hashem is Hashem, He could have arranged things so that men could have children without women. Hashem is not limited by the world that He Created. Hence, there must be a very specific intention in the creation of two distinct sexes, each one having their unique role, and their unique strengths and destinies and missions. And that intention is, perhaps, so that each one of them, both the man and the woman, should realize that they are only half a whole. The Torah teaches us that when Hashem creates a person, each person is really a half of a person. One of the reasons for the great simcha at a chasana, is each half has found its missing other half, and now it can finally be complete.

This idea, that each of us is only a half of a figure of a bigger, complete unit, really helps us understand our role in this world, which is to find our other half. Once we have found our other half and married, and set up a home, we must realize that we must forever function as a unit. Many of the gentile Western philosophies and modern psychology directly and absolutely contradict many of the values of Torah -- the modern idea of independence, for example, where each partner decides what they want, each has their own checkbook and their own family name etc. Perhaps they are married, but they're still their own person, independent of the other half. Torah says that when you're married, you become one. Not long ago, the Rebbe said something that I never heard before, and since I've heard it, I've been sharing it with other people at every opportunity. I think it's such an exciting idea: When Hashem gave the Luchos, the tablets of stone on which the Ten Commandments were written, He divided them, so that there are two, rather than one. He could have put all of them onto one large stone tablet, but He didn't. He wrote the Aseres Hadibros on two tablets. What does this teach us? There are women who feel very left out. They also want to put on tallis and tefillin, and daven at the omed, and do all the things that men do. But, in reality, since they are one entity, when a woman's husband puts on tefillin, the reward and the merit of that mitzvah is shared by both of them. Now that in itself is a beautiful accomplishment. Shidduchim are made in Heaven, and forty days before the birth of the child, that child's marriage partner is announced in Heaven. When a girl is born and somewhere else a boy is born, usually quite a long time passes until they're married to each other. Nevertheless, in the meanwhile, each partner already receives the rewards and benefits which accrue to their other half. This means that your chosson at the other end of the world is already benefiting you with his davening and his mitzvos, and vice versa.

This is a very beautiful concept. Given this framework, and this understanding, it is clear that when the two halves do marry, there's no competition between them. He is happy with whatever he does, and she is happy with what she does. Each is already receiving all the benefit from the mitzvos which the other one does. The husband and wife complement each other. Torah views this as serving Hashem in the best possible way.

Making a Home where Shalom can Dwell

As everyone knows, there are two categories of people. There are kvetchers no matter what, and they always find something to complain about. Personally, I can't understand the always-there-to-kvetch type. And then there are other people who have to listen to their kvetching. Those are the lucky people. They have to live with the kvetching some of the time, whereas the kvetcher has to live with herself all of the time. These people are always in a positive frame of mind. Now when the children or the husband or the mother-in-law are the kvetchers, it's very bad. But one way you can avoid becoming angry with them, is by thinking positive thoughts about yourself as a woman. Here are some of my favorite anti-kvetch remedies. If you want to tape them on your refrigerator, you have my permission.

When Hashem was about to give the Torah to the Jewish people, He told Moshe to "Tell to Bais Yaakov, and declare it to Bnei Yisroel." Commentaries explain that the former refers to the women, who must be told first, and the latter, to men, who only come afterwards. Why this order? Because everything depends on the women, if they are willing to implement Torah and mitzvos in their homes! Then Hashem promises that if they all accept the Torah, the Jewish people will become a mamleches Kohanim and a goy kadosh -- a kingdom of Kohanim, and a holy nation. Torah tells us that we are all going to be elevated to the level of Kohanim. Several years ago, the Rebbe spoke at the N'shei u'Bnos Chabad Convention. He explained at length the duties of the Kohanim whose job is to serve Hashem.

So it seems to us that a man serves Hashem with all kinds of mitzvos -- with tefillin and tzitzis and mezuzos. It's all very Jewish, very symbolic, very religious. And how do women serve Hashem? It seems that their avodah is washing the dishes, just like a non-Jewish woman. Just because a Jewish woman has a tichel on her head, it doesn't give her a Jewish and uplifting experience. What is it that we do that's so different from what non-Jewish women do, or not-yet-frum women do? Can this be all there is to our avodah? It seems like a not very exciting role. I'd hire a maid to do it.

But, let us examine for a minute what the servants of Hashem, the Kohanim, did in the Beis HaMikdash. They were the housekeepers. One of the important jobs in the Beis HaMikdash was to clean the menorah. Every day it had to be cleaned and prepared. Another job that was done in the Beis HaMikdash was the preparing and cooking of the menachos, the meal-offerings -- oil and flour and different kinds of frying pans, and so on, some for cooking, others for frying, others for baking. Part of the avodah of the Kohen was cooking. It wasn't done by hired help. Another job -- because there were a lot of korbanos taking place in the Beis HaMikdash, it was constantly getting dirty. So some of the Kohanim washed the floors, and at times, even several times a day. And then there were Kohanim whose job was to check the firewood for the altar to see if it was rotted or wormy. If it was, it was possul and could not be used on the mizbe'ach. Others washed and mended the garments which the Kohanim wore for their service. And there was plenty. It was all done by the Kohanim themselves. Balabatishkeit if you will. But they did it all. None of this, "I-wish-I-could-hire-someone-to-do-it-and-I-could-go-and-do-something-spiritual" stuff. They knew that by keeping Hashem's House, this was the highest type of avodah.

Those of you who have a background in Chassidus will know that one of the hardest concepts to deal with in Chassidus is gashmius. Chassidus, especially Chabad Chassidus, emphasizes that abstract ideas have to be brought into concrete reality in this physical world. The idea is not to just sit and learn Torah all day -- rather ha-ma'aseh hu ha-ikkar -- "the deed is the main thing". We believe that everything in our lives, our homes, our clothing, our food, every physical thing in the world needs to be elevated. That's what Hashem wants. You can't do that unless you deal with it. Hashem gave different duties to men and to women. A man's role places less emphasis on the manifold details of life in this world. But the role of a woman encompasses a myriad small details including all of the many ingredients in her home -- her laundry, the children, the diapers etc. All these are the details that make up the bayis. But the intention is not that we are simply supposed to keep house, but to make the house into the Beis HaMikdash. Every Jewish home is a Mikdash. However, the question is, how do you make it a Mikdash in reality? How do you make your house different from the house of a gentile simply because you observe Torah? And the answer is, by the kavanah. By knowing the goal.

The goal that we must strive for is to make our homes Torah homes, and that our babies whose noses we are always wiping, and whose clothes we are forever mending, should grow up to be yirei shamayim. It is this goal we have to keep in mind as we're doing the wash, cooking the food and cleaning up. In a sicha on this subject, the Rebbe once went into tremendous detail, which is unusual for the Rebbe, and he acknowledged the difficulty in this task. He emphasized the importance of the woman in making the home a Torah home.

In addition, the Rebbe said that each task that Hashem entrusts us with is not a task that can be done derech agav, in a nonchalant kind of way. Each of these tasks requires a tremendous amount of work, and concentration, and merit, and they're not easy. Keeping on top of things is not easy, shopping is not easy, raising children is not easy. It's a very difficult, time-consuming and strenuous task. And it takes away all your energy. You barely have time for anything else. A woman might think that she's getting the raw end of the deal, and the husband is getting the reward for all his mitzvos, whereas she's just minding the business. But the Rebbe says the reverse is true. She is the akeres habayis. Akeres derives from the word ikkar, meaning the central root, the foundation upon which everything is built. Without her there is no body for the neshama, there is no home in which to learn Torah.

When Hashem created the world, He did so because He wanted a dirah b'tachtonim -- a dwelling place in the lower worlds. Hashem wants that people should take the gashmius, the physical things of this world, and make the gashmius into ruchnius. Chassidus explains that Hashem created the gashmius world from ruchnius, the physical from the spiritual. And the duty of man is to elevate the gashmius and turn it into ruchnius by giving it a neshama.

When the woman of the home does everything with kavanah for the higher purpose in life, and with simcha, and when she realizes that she is actually a Kohen, and every deed and everything is imbued with the idea that her home is a Beis HaMidkash me'at, she cannot help but do it with a different feeling. But there's still more.

When the Mishkan was built in the desert, it was constructed from thirteen kinds of material -- gold, silver, animal skins and wool and wood and other items. It was all gashmius, and yet its express purpose was ruchnius. Our Sages declare that the women donated more toward the building of the Mishkan than the men. The Rebbe explains that this is the praise of the woman. She understands more (binah yesairah nitnah b'isha), and she has her priorities straight -- that ruchnius must come down to this physical world. This awareness and knowledge which women have is intrinsic in their nature. It is their teva. That is why a woman does not need a bris milah, and a kippah and tzitzis etc. Because she knows, and it's part of her nature of a woman, that ruchnius needs a place to dwell, a home. She brings ruchnius into her home.

It is very important for a woman to know that to fulfill her role, and to make her home a Jewish home, and for her to bring up a family with the awe of Heaven demands a lot of work. There's a tremendous amount of work ahead of her, and it requires a lot of devotion. But, nevertheless, the Rebbe pointed out that Hashem never gives a person a bigger job than they can manage. Hashem never gives a task which a person cannot do. Why is it then that so many women feel that other women can manage but not her? The answer is within her.

The statements of our Sages are not just nice, or clever. They are part of Torah, and every statement of our Sages is true from the day it was first said until Mashiach comes (and even then it will be true). Our Sages tell us that nothing stands in the way of will. Among all the powers of the soul, the will is the most powerful. When the Rebbe would send someone on a mission that was very, very difficult, did he always choose someone very great, very talented? No. Because when a person has a strong will to do something, he finds within himself all the strengths and talents that are necessary to accomplish his mission. One does not have to be born with a talent for housekeeping to become a good balebusta. What is important is, how much will do you have to succeed at it? How much effort are you exerting to learn how to do it? Are you speaking to a mashpiah? Some find it easier, some find it harder. But one should never blame one's situation. If there is a will, there is a way.

Some time ago, the Rebbe initiated a new campaign, "Aseh lecha Rav" -- get yourself a mashpiah, somebody that we feel that we can consult with, and who can be a spiritual guide. Among the women that have asked me to be their mashpiah, a lot of our discussion revolves around housework, and the kids. We are all women, and this is a part of our avodas Hashem. As women we don't solely have to talk about learning or davening, our main thing is our homes, and if we are having problems, we shouldn't think about anything else. We serve Hashem through our homes and families.

A Woman's Mesirus Nefesh

Every Jewish woman has it within her to give up her own rights and privileges for the benefit of somebody else, whether it's her husband or her children. We would love to go to sleep, but we cannot, we have to take care of our husband's suit for the next day, or of the kid's clothes. "I would like to do it but I can't, because of them." This is the life of the Jewish woman. Every moment of her life, and every act of it is an avodah...

This is also why a child born to a Jewish mother and to a non-Jewish father is 100% Jewish, because the pnimius, the inner core, the neshama, comes from the mother. If the child is born to a father who is a big tzaddik, but the mother is not Jewish, the child is not Jewish. Period. The father determines whether the child will be a Kohen, a Levi or a Yisroel. Whether the child will be from the tribe of Reuven, or Shimon or Yehudah. But whether he is Jewish or not -- that depends on his mother. Because she is the one who gives the pnimius and the neshama. Yaakov was buried in a holy place. Rochel was not buried in a holy place. But she made the place become holy by being there.

This, ultimately, is the difference between the role of the man and the role of a woman. A man serves Hashem in matters which are already holy, whereas a woman serves Hashem through everyday activities that she does for others -- and in so doing she makes those activities holy. As the Rebbe says -- "Yenems gashmius, iz deine ruchnius" -- "Someone else's gashmius is your ruchnius." When you do something for yourself, you only get to enjoy it for two hours or so. But if you go and do it for someone else, that is a mitzvah. Everything that we do for somebody else is a mitzvah.

Another interesting idea comes from Chumash. Tzelofchad had five daughters. They were very upset because the law says that the father's inheritance goes to the son. And since Tzelofchad had no sons they were not going to have a portion in Eretz Yisroel. And just as the women loved the Mishkan and gave more than the men, they also loved Eretz Yisroel. They felt very bad. It's not our fault that we are girls and not boys. So Hashem said to Moshe, "You know I have five young ladies in front of Me who have a very good argument." Many times women say, "Men have it better. Why should we have the raw end of the deal, having the kids? We also want to go, we also want to do, we also want to learn. Why should we be left out of everything?" There are certainly ways to change yourself so that you can also have a taste of the ruchnius. Don't forget that Hashem is the third partner in running your home. So when it gets too tough, you have to remember that and say, "Hashem, you've got to help me get organized. You have to help me get the money. You are a partner." And don't knock the power of the sincere prayer of a sincere Jewish woman.

The Rebbe says that we are the last generation before Mashiach, and we have to get ready for Mashiach. We do this by bringing more kedushah into our lives by making things into a Jewish experience, imbued with a Jewish consciousness. Place a tzedakah box in each room of the house. Get rid of treif animal toys. Celebrate birthdays.... All of a sudden things that are not uniquely Jewish are becoming Jewish. This is part of the plan to bring more kedushah into the mundane, and to help us get ready for the new era.

This is the meaning of Shalom Bayis. We, as the pnimius and the neshama of our homes, must be at peace with our roles and our mission. We must learn to see ourselves as Kohanim serving in the Beis HaMikdash. And then there will be no question of Shalom Bayis, because our homes will be b'shlaimus -- whole and complete and filled with peace.

Hashem never asks for something that is beyond our ability, and we can all keep some of these things we spoke about tonight in mind. We can cultivate our minds and hearts, and we will merit what Shlomo Hamelech said, that when Mashiach comes we will eat what we cooked. We will get back whatever we put into our Avodas Hashem. Let all of us, myself included, get to work on these things. It's a lifelong job, but we can do it.