The Nechoma Greisman Anthology

Section 1: SHLICHUS We are ready to go…

Notes on Approaching Other People

Appearances

One thing must be absolutely clear to us, as shluchos, that people look at us, and expect us to be perfect examples of Yiddishkeit and Chassidishkeit. This is a very hard expectation to live up to. It makes us always feel as if we are on stage. But we are shluchos, and a lot is expected of us. It is clear that we have the abilities to accomplish this mission as well.

People can be very disappointed when the home of a shaliach is a mere imitation of a "modern" house. The same applies to our appearance, if we look like all other women. When a person comes into our homes, it should immediately look like a Chassidishe home, the home of shluchim. And the same applies again to the way we look and act.

When people see a woman who is proud to be a shluchah and a mother of Jewish children, this speaks far more eloquently than a thousand lectures. The Rebbe Shlita once explained in a sicha to women that "nice possessions" means possessions which are unblemished by the faintest trace of non-Jewishness.

When the Rebbe first announced the tefillin campaign, yeshiva students from Lubavitcher yeshivas went out on the streets of New York to put tefillin on Jewish men over the age of bar mitzvah. My brother was among those whose "beat" was outside an orthodox shul. He tells the following story: The students had been involved in putting tefillin on men for some hours, and it was already late, getting on towards sunset. One of the yeshiva students spied a man who looked Jewish walking toward the shul. Naturally, he stopped him and asked, "Are you Jewish? Did you put on tefillin today?"

The man raised himself up to his full height, and retorted angrily, "What do you mean by this? A chutzpah! I'm the Rabbi of this shul, I'll have you know! I was the one who arranged that you fellows should come here." And with that he stalked off angrily into the shul, to daven minchah.

Understandably, the student was terribly embarrassed, and wished that the earth would open up, so that he could hide somewhere. But there was no escape. Since it was late, and the next shul was a long way away, they had to join the minyan in that shul. The student hid himself in the back row of worshippers, so that the Rabbi would not see him.

However, immediately after the prayer, the Rabbi walked swiftly up to him, and beckoned him aside. The student prepared himself for another portion...

"Actually," said the Rabbi, "I owe you an apology. Throughout minchah I was bothered by the fact that you had really asked your question innocently, without any intention of insulting me. My father was also a Rav in Europe. He had a long beard, and no one would ever have had any doubts about his being Jewish, and religious at that. No one would have dreamed of asking him if he had put on tefillin that day. However, your question was to me. And why? Because my appearance does not reveal immediately that I am an orthodox rabbi!"

Dear friends. It should not be necessary to wait until people discover that we are shluchos. This should be written on our faces, it should be self-evident from our clothes, the way we dress, our make-up, and even from our furniture that we are shluchos of the Rebbe Shlita!

Approaching People who are Ignorant in Yiddishkeit

1. Listen to the other person to the end. It will help you to understand them, and oblige them to listen to you. Speak elegantly and eloquently -- people appreciate it if you treat them as intelligent.
2. Do not shout! "The words of the wise are heard when uttered quietly." Shouting only strengthens their preconceived idea that religious Jews are small-minded. When you're calm, they won't shout either.
3. Don't make people feel smaller than you. That will only distance them from you.
4. Don't criticize or condemn what the person is involved in (drugs, university, Yoshke etc.) unless you are expert in the subject. Why not? 1. You are wasting time; 2. You might make a fool of yourself; 3. You will strengthen her position, because she will try and protect herself.
5. A friendly approach is a good basis for the future. If you can be a friend, matters of Yiddishkeit can also be less alien.
6. "Don't bite off more than you can chew." With guests, talk about general things, not particulars.
7. If someone asks a question to which you don't know the answer, compliment them on asking such a good question that you don't know the answer. Help the person to find the answer for themselves. Tell them that doing is more important than understanding. Don't be ashamed to say you don't know. No one knows everything.
8. Play innocent. Don't listen to people's external complaints. Learn what they are really asking.
9. Don't be affected by environment, only by neshama.
10. Give people a choice. The fact that they can choose without being forced will probably help them make the right choice! People are afraid of pressure.
11. Don't ask questions about the past.
12. Don't be so serious. Express a little humor.
13.  If you win an argument, did you succeed in your mission?
14. Express yourself with self-confidence.
15. Say a chapter of Tehillim and a prayer that your words will be sincere and will come from your heart, and therefore enter her heart...
16. Ahavas Yisrael is the bare minimum...
17. Change the atmosphere.
18. Rome was not built in a day. Change takes time. Respond with, "Think about it;" "It is difficult because it is new for you;" "I am sure that if I had had your education, and your friends, I would also think like you."
19. Show personal interest. Do not make the other person feel that your interest in her is conditional.
20. Syata diShmaya -- "help from Above" does not necessarily depend on talents or abilities. Hence, a simple person is often more successful than an intelligent one.
21. Make a warm, personal contact before you begin...
22. Accept the truth from whoever says it.
23. Learn from your mistakes.
24. What is successful with one person may not work with another. Don't despair.

When the Other Person is Antagonistic

1. A person's feelings, and the way she presents ideas are not necessarily part of her personality. There is no place for expressions like, "You are a fool," or some other disparaging remark because of someone's ideas. Even opinions which were expressed in an angry or mocking fashion should be treated with equanimity, without making judgmental comments. In this way, it is possible to continue the conversation without insulting the person and turning things into a confrontation and a war of words. One may use expressions such as, "Good. That is the way you feel. But this is the way I feel..."

   One does not strengthen a negative opinion by repeating it. Do not be afraid to acknowledge that that is the person's opinion. In this way you do not put pressure on the person to put up a defense.

2. Be aware of the power of feelings.
3. Be aware of the power of an emotional story -- as long as it is relevant.
4. Be aware of the power of a good moshol -- as long as it is deep.
5. It is possible to continue with confidence, without feeling that you have failed, after your "target" has expressed a negative opinion. Say, for example, "Even if you do not believe in G-d (or in the Torah, or in...), nevertheless lighting candles is so beautiful and easy, and it unites Jewish women everywhere. It is certain that an act which Jews martyred themselves for throughout the last two thousand years, even in situations of dire distress, cannot be absolutely lacking in meaning..."

1. The act is more important than the theory.
2. The performance of a mitzvah is more important than the intention.
3. Something done for ulterior motives, will eventually lead to doing the thing for its own sake.
4. One mitzvah brings another in its wake.
5. "Love your fellow-Jew as yourself. All the rest is commentary." If the person is left with only this, having refused to do the mitzvah you asked him to do, this is not a failure! They witnessed an act of Ahavas chinam -- truly selfless love!
6. Be an example of what a Jew should be.
7. A Jew neither wants, nor is able, to sever himself from G-d.
8. When you are attached Above, below you will not fall.
9. Knowledge, approach and mazel are all important.

Useful Illustrations From Real Life

1. A teacher: Some students are smarter than others. Nevertheless, the teacher goes according to the pace of the majority, without singling out the best in the class. Lesson: Kabolos Ol.
2. A doctor or nurse: When a doctor or nurse is about to give medication to a patient who argues, "Before I take the medicine, explain every detail of how it works," they should reply, "You cannot learn all this in a short time. First take the medication and then try to understand." Or, "In your weak state, you will not be able to understand clearly. First strengthen yourself, and then it will be easier for you to understand." Lesson: Once a person begins doing mitzvos, it is easier to understand spiritual explanations.
3. A machine operator: Before beginning to use the machine, he must learn all the instructions for using it. Otherwise, at best, he will produce inferior results, or at worst, shorten the life of the machine, or even damage it beyond repair. Besides, he will not have learned all the possible uses thereof. Lesson: The Torah teaches us how to run our lives properly.
4. A storeowner or merchant: He does not sit and wait for clients to come to him. He makes opportunities for business, advertises, etc. He is not satisfied with a little. Lesson: Don't be idle, or satisfied with meager achievements.
5. A housewife: She knows the importance of making sure her hands are clean before she begins preparing food. She is aware of the importance and effect of each article in the home, or the lack of it. Lesson: Failure to observe Taharas Hamishpacha can taint the entire household. Even "minor" details are important. Everything has its function.
6. A dry-cleaner: Methods used to remove stains are not regarded as punishments for the article of clothing. The chemical used must be suited to the substance which caused the stain. A stubborn or old stain needs a more intense treatment. All of this is for the benefit of the garment, to return it to its former state. Warning -- strong chemicals used on delicate material will destroy the garment. Some stains can only be removed by an expert... Lesson: Suffering cleanses. Be gentle. Tzaddikim can provide special methods.
7. Farmers: They know the importance of prevention (preventing crop diseases, infestation by insects, etc.) and of nurturing young plants. A small mistake with a seed or young plant can have devastating results on it. They know the importance of every factor in the growth of plants -- sun, water, nutrients etc. Lesson: Without effort there will be no results, even if the conditions are ideal; education is a continual process -- it is not sufficient to provide it only when the child is young.
8. Army: Every soldier understands that his duties are important and must be carried out exactly according to instructions, even if he does not understand their purpose and place in the "larger picture." Uniform is important too. Lesson: Every person has his shlichus. He must follow instructions without deviating in any way. The way you dress is important and identifies you as a frum Jew -- tznius, kippah, tzitzis, etc.
9. Office worker or clerk: Importance of good relations with the staff. Lesson: Ahavas Yisroel. Importance of public relations. Lesson: Love your fellow Jews, and bring them closer to Torah. Typing quickly and accurately without even looking requires lots of practice. Lesson: So do Torah and mitzvos.
10. Laboratory: A single germ can destroy the sterility of the lab. Lesson: Every detail of Taharas Hamishpacha is vital. One must aim to achieve 100% perfection, but do not despair if you haven't yet achieved it.

In every occupation: Errors do not invalidate. Everyone forgives a student and a beginner.